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How to spend a holiday solo amid COVID-19 pandemic

Detroit Free Press - 12/24/2020

Connie Kelly will be eating ham for a while. That’s what happens when you have your holiday entrée and are the only guest of honor.

It’s been a lonely year during restrictions in response to the novel coronavirus outbreak, and the holiday season feels perhaps distinctively so as Americans stay home from their usual gatherings amid a spike in cases.

For some, like Kelly, 77, of West Bloomfield Township, this might mean seeing no one at all, at least in person. For folks like her, it is important to have a plan to find a little bit of joy or connection, mental health experts say.

Kelly usually spends the holidays with her daughter, having a nice dinner and perhaps catching a show at the Fisher Theatre. But this is perhaps her eighth holiday going solo, for various reasons.

“I kind of know the drill,” she said.

Here’s the how-to of a solo holiday:

Connect

The best tip for spending a holiday alone is not to do it if you can help it, said Kevin Fischer, executive director of National Alliance on Mental Illness Michigan, a nonprofit advocacy group.

Depression, anxiety, and other forms of mental illness can make social isolation dangerous, and depression is the No. 1 cause of suicide, he said. NAMI helpline calls at local, state, and national levels have been up by almost 100% amid COVID-19.

Ideally, proper COVID-19 safety measures could be followed to see loved ones in-person, but, if not, Fischer recommended taking seeing a loved one, masked, from a distance greater than six feet apart. If that doesn’t work, connecting virtually is the next best thing.

“We really do stress the safety of the COVID restrictions,” he said. “If at all possible only meet in-person with people who are part of your 'bubble,' as they call it. … but try as best you can not to spend too much time alone, especially if you start to feel symptoms of depression.”

Loneliness is also a serious health concern in other ways, said Dr. Asha Shajahan, a physician and medical director of Community Health for Beaumont Grosse Pointe.

It can cause higher blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, cognitive decline, and the release of stress hormones, which can cause inflammation, she said, citing the revelation that loneliness is akin to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

At its base, being alone on a holiday isn’t easy, said a third-year medical student at Oakland University William Beaumont School of Medicine, Monique Waltman, 29, of Clawson.

While she’s spending the holiday doing housework and reading a book with her husband instead of celebrating with extended family, she’s also spent a holiday totally solo due to family estrangement, she said, speaking just a few hours after picking up a “bag of cheer” offered to students unable to gather elsewhere on Wednesday.

She had a message for those who don’t have strong support systems or who have been devastated this year: “I can say… get through the days because there are better days waiting.”

She suggested people call their loved ones, those who might be alone, or those in a hospital.

“You'd be surprised how much happiness you could bring to somebody today with a simple phone call,” she said.

Have a plan

“I think the drill is to manage as many things similarly as possible, and that's why I always decorate my house, I always do Christmas cards, I do a Christmas letter, which I know is like an old lady thing, but I enjoy doing it,” Kelly said.

In truth, she’s a “Christmas junkie,” she said. It never occurred to her to not do her holiday as normal.

But having a plan of some sort – some people are planning Christmas in July – keeping some traditions and making some normal holiday dishes is a good idea, said Dr. Michelle Riba, a University of Michigan professor of psychiatry and associate director of Michigan Medicine Depression Center.

More: Restaurants are pulling out the stops with holiday meals to-go

Sharing them via a Zoom call might be even better. Planned online games or singing together, too.

It’s also okay to treat the day like any other, said Shajahan.

“But know yourself,” she said. “So, if you know yourself, you know you might feel kind of sad if you're on your own, then having a plan is absolutely essential.”

That could be a schedule of calls or self-care or festive plans.

Acknowledging matters will be different helps you enjoy what they are, said Kelly.

“If you go into it and say, ‘Well, it's going to be different, it isn't going to be what I want, but it is what it is, and how can I how can I maintain a positive attitude?’ I think that that really is the bottom line to making your way through it,” she said.

Find some holiday cheer

It could be walking around Campus Martius Park, socially distanced, or driving around to Christmas music looking a holiday light displays, Shajahan said.

HollyDazzle: A Renaissance Christmas

5:30 - 10:30 p.m. daily through Jan. 2

Michigan Renaissance Festival grounds

12600 Dixie Hwy., Holly, MI 48442.

Tickets available at https://www.michrenfest.com/

Wayne County LightFest

6 - 10 p.m. Wednesday - Sunday through Dec. 31 but closed Dec. 25

7651 N. Merriman Road, on Merriman between Ann Arbor Trail and Warren Avenue in Westland

$5 cash per car

Wild Lights at the Detroit Zoo

5 – 9 p.m. weeknights and Sundays; 5 – 10:30 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays through Jan. 10

8450 W. 10 Mile Road, Royal Oak, MI 48067

Tickets at https://wildlights.detroitzoo.org/

Magic of Lights

DTE Energy Music Theatre's parking lot in Clarkston

5 - 10 p.m. Sunday - Thursday, and 5 - 11 p.m. Friday and Saturday

through Jan. 2

Tickets at https://magicoflights.com/events/clarkston/

More: Drive-through Magic of Lights offers safe, family-friendly holiday experience

More: Menorah in the D celebrates 10th anniversary at Campus Martius with virtual Hanukkah event

More: Michigan Opera Theatre drives into the pandemic era with a fresh take on a classic

Soak up some old memories

At-home ways to feel the holiday spirit are also available, especially for folks who can’t move around easily.

Going through old photographs, sharing collages digitally with family, and writing letters can trigger gratitude, said Shajahan.

“Medically speaking, we know that gratitude does help emotional regulation,” she said. “It decreases anxiety, it actually helps your endorphins boost, so it increases your dopamine, and your serotonin and those are both the pleasure, reward centers, are the mood regulators, so it can help you feel a lot better … physically and mentally.”

More: Words that live forever

Volunteer

Writing letters outside family members could actually do some real good, too, for the writer and the recipient, said Shajahan. It can make you feel connected.

There are ways to write get-well wishes to those in the hospital and volunteers are often needed at soup kitchens, she said.

For those trying to stay home, Shajahan suggested looking into online charity work.

Kelly, for the holidays, made gift bags of brunch with Belgian Waffles and tangerines for her neighbors, the same ones in her condo community that worked to get her groceries during the pandemic.

“It's doing things like that, that I think help people stay upbeat,” she said.

Check-in physically and spiritually

Do something that brings out joy, said Fischer.

Maybe it’s playing music or dancing, he said. Maybe it’s church services (many of which are online).

Also, get moving physically, he said.

“Stay engaged with your spiritual health, as well as your physical and emotional,” said Fischer.

Get back to the basics, said Riba. Alcohol or drugs aren’t part of that.

“Take stock of getting a good night's sleep … turning the TV off, before you get to the bedroom, and maybe reading something at night – a light book,” she said.

People who have been glued to the news cycle might need a break, she said.

When it’s not so simple

Those who have lost a loved one during the novel coronavirus pandemic might feel a different type of lonely this year.

“A lot of my patients have lost spouses,” said Shajahan.“There's more widowers and widows, and there's a lot of people who don't have family in the state and so they're spending holidays alone, maybe for the very first time and maybe also not having their loved one with them.”

A triple threat is at play – the grief itself, 2020 making grief more challenging to cope with, and the holiday season, said Shajahan.

While those grieving the lost of a loved one can follow the suggestions above as well, Shajahan also noted she recently had a patient write a letter to her late husband to express her feelings and wish his happy holidays.

Visiting a loved one’s gravesite can be therapeutic and creating a memorial or even just honoring a loved one’s seat at the table with a candle or eating their favorite food can help include them in the tradition, she said. Donating to a charity or sharing memories with friends can also help.

“The holidays is a perfect way to celebrate that particular person that you lost,” she said. “And sometimes tears are okay.”

She also implored those who know someone who lost someone: reach out to them, send them a package, include them, and don’t wait to be asked.

Take care, and look for laughter

Sure the holidays are a short period overall, but they aren’t that short.

A false illusion will leave people feeling alone, simply because they are physically alone, when they are loved and cared for in reality, Shajahan said. Negative self-talk should be avoided, acceptance of the emotions is helpful, and connection should be sought.

“There are ways that if you make a plan, and think about ways to engage with other people in a more creative fashion, you might find, ‘You know what? this was actually really cool. This Christmas was so different, I ended up talking to like people all over the country and normally I just hang out with my mom and dad.”

Some people might just need to get creative to find the laughter and fun this year, said Riba.

“It’s going to have to be some novel ways to do this,” she said.

Resources:

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 800-273-8255, or by texting SHARE to 741741

Check out the Michigan Medicine Depression Center Toolkit here.

The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 am–6 pm, ET.

1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org.

Text the Crisis Text Line 24/7 for help by texting NAMI to 741-741.

Duante Beddingfield and Kyla Wright contributed to this story.

Darcie Moran is a breaking news reporter and podcaster for the Detroit Free Press. Contact Moran: dmoran@freepress.com. Twitter: @darciegmoran.

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This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: How to spend a holiday solo amid COVID-19 pandemic

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